I did not add another antipsychotic even after my doctor suggested it. I am feeling better now, but my sleep has been somewhat fragmented. Mania or perimenopause or both? I’m going to take 1mg of clonazepam until I have some solid nights’ sleep. I keep waking up at two or three and staying up for an hour. I feel like I have great ideas, so I started emailing them to myself. It is like writing things down when you are drunk…not so great.
I saw two therapists at Talkspace, and due to insurance issues, I got charged full price – ugh. They also weren’t great therapists. I went back to my EAP, and I’m seeing a life coach. I told her that I have a bipolar diagnosis, and I am prepared to switch to a therapist if necessary. I’ve only seen her twice, and I really like her style. She is supportive, gives me homework, and helps me set goals.
My busiest time at work starts next month. I’m also doing month-end work now, which means 10-11 hour days a few times a month. My coach says she will work with me to set boundaries and take care of myself. I have great self-care tools; I just need to remember to use them.
My plan is to read before I go to bed, read if I wake up at night (with non-blue light), and meditate. I have not been meditating in the last few weeks, and I feel so much better when I do. It is getting late, so I will go to bed to get to a more stable bedtime.
I’ve been on Depakote since July. I had a very dark October, and with the help of my therapist and a lot of what she called “psychological first aid” things started to trend up. I realized that Octobers are always hard for me, but this was the first without Lithium since I was a teen.
I had a couple weeks that were nearing hypomanic and everything was awesome. Now I’m feeling low/anxious again. My doctor wants to put me on Latuda. I’m too scared to try another antipsychotic, but he says maybe that’s because I’m helpless/hopeless. It’s hard to understand how he knows that after five minutes on a televisit. The other three drugs we tried had bad side effects (one included anxiety sooo much worse than this). I like to think it is partially due to the darkness and SAD. It gets hard when it gets dark at what feels like 2:30pm. I’ve also caught the respiratory crud, and have had it this week during my birthday and today on Christmas.
I contacted the therapist that I really liked, and she said she can’t ethically see me anymore, because she is through work and they can only offer short term therapy. She had “graduated” me in November. Ugh. Getting fired by a therapist is not pleasant. I started with a new therapist on a therapy app last week. I’m hopeful that she will help me crawl out of this hole.
I know part of what I miss is people, because they lit up my world. I’ve been remote since the beginning of the pandemic. I feel like a drain on my husband who also works remotely. I miss taking breaks and chatting with coworkers with out a screen between us. Now that I think about it, that is how I have met new people since the friends I made in school (many, many years ago). I have a few close friends, but we only talk on the phone. I want to get connected with church when I’m feeling better.
Crap, this vent sure is starting to make my doctor sound right. My husband is a light in the storm, but I feel like I’m taking all of his energy. He is ready to do whatever helps, and he just walked in the room singing a song from Paddington 2.
I want to connect with people and go to the pool again. I’m going back to my third(?) rewatch of Ted Lasso.
This is my first week off of lithium in over 30 years. I regret that I didn’t start with Depakote at the beginning, but I know that I can’t go back. I’m worried about depression, because my psychiatrist says Depakote doesn’t help for the lows.
I went to the beach for a vacation last week, and I felt stress free. I’m pretty sure the current lows are a whiplash from the nice time and going back to work. On the plus side, I have a great therapist again. Maybe it will help if I work on some homework from her.
I’m still taking 1000mg Depakote, but I’ve been on 150mg of Lithium for a couple months. My sleep has been more steady, and I’ve been taking magnesium glycinate. It has helped me chill out in the evening.
I don’t feel manic, but I struggle with the doldrums. I’m not very talkative tonight.
I started taking Depakote 500mg BID on December 1st. The first day I felt like a zombie, I had trouble speaking and concentrating. I was so disheartened. I contacted my Pdoc immediately and asked if I could take both doses at night. Immediately helped. I felt like myself again.
Knowing that my doctor warned of weight gain and hair loss, I started to fret. My brother suggested I start my Moira Rose era. So far, I haven’t lost weight, but I have also been moving a lot. As far as hair care goes, I try not to add supplements to this chemical cocktail I already take, so I started using rosemary oil. At the very least, it smells nice.
My lithium has been reduced from 750 to 450mg. Hu-freaking-zah. My sleep is the main thing I notice. Sleep is sacred, and I’m getting 6-7 hours now, and 8 is my sweet spot. I keep waking at 2 or 3am. I’ve been doing some early am shopping, but I always keep it under 50 bucks and make sure it is “practical” in my sleepy brain. Thank goddess for Amazon’s return policey. I’ve had two or three nights of eight hours over the last few weeks. We moved on Sunday, so I’m hoping that I’m also getting used to the new place.
I’ve been using the Bipolar UK app to track my mood, and I couldn’t suggest it more. My nephew who was just dx started using it, too. He showed me how to look at trends. It made me feel so much better to see that I’m in a pretty safe zone based on my daily records.
“Step One of my Ridiculously Circuitous Plan: Complete!” Bender, Futurama
I got my Depakote prescription. I can’t get up the nerve to start taking it. I’ve just been burned so many times, and I’m also worried about weight gain. Especially being in the dark time of the year, when I just want to go from work to bed every day.
I’ve tried multiple drugs to replace Lithium now that I have Kidney Disease. Geodon, Lamictal, and Seroquel. All disastrous, and I just received Depakote. I need to have a few more days of sleeping all night before I try a new one.
AI is getting pretty good — “woman trying multiple psychotropic medicines to get off of one that caused ckd”.
Earlier today, I think I had an analogy about my energy being a battery that is depleted by being around people. It is feeling pretty low. Too low to flesh that analogy out. Went to my in-laws to move everything around one more time.
On our way “home”, I started to panic about the move. My sanctuary time is so important to keeping my battery full. When I got home I went for a walk to clear my head.
Sitting here in a warm blanket and half watching the new Matlock. I apologized to my husband, I know he is going through so much, too. I’m reminded of my favorite poet and the need to revisit my lungs.
my brain and heart divorced
a decade ago
over who was
to blame about how big of a mess I have become
eventually,
they couldn’t be in the same room with each other
now my head and heart share custody of me
stay with my brain during the week
and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another
– instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week
and their notes they send to one another always says the same thing:
“This is all your fault’
on Sundays
my heart complains about how my
head has let me down in the past
and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future
they blame each other for the
state of my life
there’s been a lot of yelling – and crying
SO, lately, I’ve been spending a lot of
time with my gut
who serves as my unofficial therapist
most nights, sneak out of the window in my ribcage
and slide down my spine and collapse on my
gut’s plush leather chair that’s always open for me
~ and just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up
last evening,
my gut asked me
if was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head
nodded
said didn’t know if could live with either of them anymore “my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow, lamented
my gut squeezed my hand
‘just can’t live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,’ sighed
my gut smiled and said: ‘in that case,
you should
go stay with your
lungs for a while,’
was confused – the look on my face gave it away
“if you are exhausted about
your heart’s obsession with
the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain future
your lungs are the perfect place for you
there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either
there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment
there is only breath and in that breath
you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship out.’
this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves
and while my heart was staring at old photographs
packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs
before could even knock she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me she said “what took you so long?’
I’m in my own home for the first day this week. No one hovering over me, following me into rooms, questioning me about my stuff. OK, enough complaining.
Probably still depressed, just want to curl up today. Sitting in my hubby’s chair with a heated blanket and my laptop. He is with family playing DnD. I love DnD for him. I only played once, but it is a nice time for us to do our own things.
I pulled out my art supplies and turned my empty office into a makeshift studio. I painted a large painting that got some of my election anxiety out, and I got to get a little messy. I’m trying to figure out how to practice calligraphy with my Surface. I’m not sure I want to get inky messy, too.
I’m also wanting to start a class on relearning knitting. I had so many ideas in hypo mania, now I’ve got a very large list of things to do. It is sad when the passion starts to dim. I spent a lot of trying writing down things I want to do before the light goes out. My interest in Magick is always stronger then, too. Luckily, my husband is interested in rituals and Oracle/Tarot cards.
Time to rest, eat what I want, watch what I want. Savor the freedom.
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 