“Slipping into madness is good for the sake of comparison.” – Jenny Holzer

This week has been hectic for me due to work stress.   Seeing this quote at an installation made me chuckle, slow down, and breathe.

Second to lack of sleep, stress is one of my biggest villains, even though we have a love/hate relationship.  I started this week feeling nervous and scared about work (there are big changes brewing and it is the busy season), so I threw myself even more into my job.  I stopped taking breaks, started eating less, and sharpening my focus.  Unfortunately, my boss is piling on extra stress this next month.  One of the negatives of keeping my psychological identity a secret is that I can’t say that I can’t do something, because it could make me sick.  I also work so hard to prove that I am “normal” and can handle anything thrown at me.  I’ve come out to bosses in the past, and they were shocked that I am so “normal” and they “had no idea.”  From that point on, it felt like they treated me with kid gloves.

I take deliberate steps (both healthy and unhealthy) to battle stress when it gets bad.  At least two of the days this week ended with a margarita or a glass (or two) of wine.  On the healthier side, I follow advice from an old therapist.  She told me that a person is like a bank, and life takes many withdrawals.  When you are too low on emotional funds, you need to make deposits.  It is times like this that I force myself to make some deposits.  Some examples of mine — going for a walk, taking a bath, taking photos, watching a sunset, going to a movie, sitting on my deck, going to a museum, meditating, and reading.

And blogging, writing in any form, is a great deposit.  In the past, I’ve had trouble keeping the momentum with journals (so many five page journals in my bookshelf).  I’ve set a reminder to check in weekly this time.

I just finished Thich Nhat Hanh’s “You are Here.”  He had a nice poem that I’ve been enjoying this week.

In; out. Deep; slow. Calm; ease. Smile; release.

Recently, I went to an escape the room adventure.   The entire room was covered with clues and random items to throw us off track.  We had to comb through each item and figure out its possible significance, solve the riddles, and try to escape.

This adventure reminded me of both delusions I’ve experienced in my most severe manic states (reference and grandeur*).  Every item in the room could have “special and personal meaning” and we were freaking spies – it doesn’t get more important than that.

When my thoughts are racing, it feels like all of my senses are heightened, and I can process many, many things at once.  As it intensifies, I start to look for clues to make sense of all of the overloading stimuli.  It is like taking the every day coincidences and turning the dial to 11.  Everyone and everything is put there to lead me to conclusions about life.  As everything starts to connect and I solve the riddles, I feel more and more important, like I am here for a greater purpose.  When I experience psychosis, it feels absolutely real.  It is like wearing beer goggles that make everything magical.  However, unlike drinking, I remember everything.  I remember each ridiculous thing that I thought and did in front of loved ones and strangers.  There is one place it took me months to go back to, and I still feel nervous there.  Reconciling these events with friends and family is harder and more painful, but that is probably a post in itself.

There are many TV shows and movies that represent bipolar disorder (e.g., that damn “Mr Jones” – I can’t even think about the ethical and practical problems in that movie right now).  However, I’m currently writing about psychosis, so here are a few that I can recommend if you are interested in peeking through the looking glass. “The Truman show” definitely reminds me of the lighter side of psychosis.   The darker side: “The Game” with Michael Douglas felt like a documentary when I first saw it.

Ok, now in the immortal words of Taylor Swift – “Shake it Off”.

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*Delusions of reference – A neutral event is believed to have a special and personal meaning.

Delusions of grandeur – Belief that one is a famous or important figure, such as Jesus Christ or Napolean.

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