I was talking to a health coach about losing weight. I brought up that weight loss has always been a struggle, since my father started calling me chunky when I was about 8.  Rationally, I know that when I’m fat he nags me to lose weight and when I lose weight he says things like “if you weren’t my daughter”.  I know I wear my weight as armor.  I did some googling, something that didn’t exist when I was a kid, and found many studies linking abuse and obesity.  My coach asked if I’ve had therapy for it.  I thought back and realized that out of the many therapists I’ve seen most of my issues are outweighed by bipolar disorder.  I’m tempted to find another therapist, but I don’t know if I want to rip off that bandaid.  My mother was abused and kept it secret for most of her life.  I know that isn’t the right answer.  I’d really prefer to read a book instead of drop yet another mask that I wear.  I will probably try that first.  Even with a psych background, I get anxious thinking about seeing a therapist. Where do I find the time? What if we don’t click?

My last post received a wonderfully supportive comment, that in my newness I may have accidentally deleted.  It is a comfort to know that I’m not alone.  It is like the pleasure I get when an amazing and strong person comes out of the bipolar closet.  I still feel like there are disorders that are dinner conversation (depression, anxiety), and then there’s bipolar disorder.  I don’t think people understand psychotic features if they haven’t had them.  I fear I will lose trust I’ve worked so hard to gain (especially at work).When I had my last med check with my PCP, she asked me a couple leading questions, e.g., “you’re doing ok, right?”  She then raved about a NYT magazine article about lithium (recalling facts like they were news to her).  So I read the article, and it was quite easy to empathize until her kidney’s fail, I wouldn’t have minded a trigger alert, Doc.  Kidney damage scares the bejeezus out of me.  She and my Gyn prescribed high doses of ibuprofen 3-4 days a month.  After reading the article she seems more skeptical and suggests surgery.  I feel like this post is also turning into a meandering rant.  It’s late, and sleep is important, so I think I’m just gonna call it.

 

 

 

 

Thankfully, I started feeling better on Tuesday, because this week at work was nonstop.  Learning a new department is stressful but exciting.  I didn’t realize how stagnant work was after doing the same thing for almost ten years.  It is like I was sleep walking, and I’m beginning to wake up.

I read a beautiful book called “How To Relax” by Thich Nhat Hanh.  He talks about having a lazy day to “train ourselves not to be afraid of doing nothing” and ends the thought with a picture of a sloth.  What a great way to put that.  Whenever I have nothing to do, I get anxious.  I feel like I should be doing something constructive.  Then I turn on the TV and watch movies and feel guilty about that.  Meditating has helped me with that anxiety a little.  Giving myself just ten minutes a day to unplug and do nothing.

 

I’ve had a stupid, nagging cold for a couple weeks now.  My hubby has been fighting a nastier chest cold and other medical issues, so it has seemed tiny by comparison. As he heals, I’m more aware of how crappy I feel.  I just feel tired all the time.  I’m not sure what that has to do with bipolar disorder, but it does feel kind of like depression.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything today.  I’m irritated by everything, and I’m not looking forward to starting my new role at work tomorrow.  Well, I feel now like if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t have anything at all.  I am going to make myself meditate this evening, because I know I need it as much as the cold medicine.  Healing, happy thoughts.