Since I was 16, I’ve bounced from psychiatrist to psychiatrist.  I’ve seen them retire, move, and start new practices that are outside my network.  Each time telling me what a great patient I am, and then I have a helluva time finding a new one.  I know from both sides how hard it is to find a psychiatrist.  I worked admissions for a mental health agency, and it was heartbreaking to send so many people in need away with a list of providers I knew had full caseloads.  Recently, my psychiatrist left to start his own practice.  The news was terrifying to me; it feels like a break up.  If things are going well, we just do a quick check in, but when mania strikes, they are crucial.  They assured me that my PCP could take over my care.  Having been through this, I knew that was not likely.  When I went to my PCP and mentioned my meds to the medical assistant, he said that she doesn’t work with lithium.  So, again, I put my best foot forward and tried to convince someone to treat me. She agreed when I explained that things are going well (now). if I require any changes in my meds, I know I’ll need to find a new psychiatrist  [shudder].

Last week, I requested a refill of my clonazepam.  The nurse left me a message.  I was advised that they will give me a month’s worth “this time” (with a tone that implied I’m trying to pull one over on them),  but I need to see the doctor for a med check (maybe something they could have scheduled with me when they agreed to take over my care).  I’ve been on this medication for years and it has saved me from a dangerous spike several times.  This dance took two days of back and forth where I was out of a med that can cause seizures if you just quit it. (How serious stopping the amount I’m on varies from psych to psych.)

I know how whiny this sounds, but I’m tired of having to fight to stay healthy with a disorder that many, many people (even in the medical community) just don’t fully understand.  When you get down to it, I’m scared.  I’m scared I’ll go crazy again.  I know I’ll crazy again, but I’m scared that safety net won’t be there to catch me.   I have hope that people are starting to come out of the closet to fight the stigma, and maybe people that come after me, or kids now, will have it easier.