I was talking to a health coach about losing weight. I brought up that weight loss has always been a struggle, since my father started calling me chunky when I was about 8.  Rationally, I know that when I’m fat he nags me to lose weight and when I lose weight he says things like “if you weren’t my daughter”.  I know I wear my weight as armor.  I did some googling, something that didn’t exist when I was a kid, and found many studies linking abuse and obesity.  My coach asked if I’ve had therapy for it.  I thought back and realized that out of the many therapists I’ve seen most of my issues are outweighed by bipolar disorder.  I’m tempted to find another therapist, but I don’t know if I want to rip off that bandaid.  My mother was abused and kept it secret for most of her life.  I know that isn’t the right answer.  I’d really prefer to read a book instead of drop yet another mask that I wear.  I will probably try that first.  Even with a psych background, I get anxious thinking about seeing a therapist. Where do I find the time? What if we don’t click?

My last post received a wonderfully supportive comment, that in my newness I may have accidentally deleted.  It is a comfort to know that I’m not alone.  It is like the pleasure I get when an amazing and strong person comes out of the bipolar closet.  I still feel like there are disorders that are dinner conversation (depression, anxiety), and then there’s bipolar disorder.  I don’t think people understand psychotic features if they haven’t had them.  I fear I will lose trust I’ve worked so hard to gain (especially at work).When I had my last med check with my PCP, she asked me a couple leading questions, e.g., “you’re doing ok, right?”  She then raved about a NYT magazine article about lithium (recalling facts like they were news to her).  So I read the article, and it was quite easy to empathize until her kidney’s fail, I wouldn’t have minded a trigger alert, Doc.  Kidney damage scares the bejeezus out of me.  She and my Gyn prescribed high doses of ibuprofen 3-4 days a month.  After reading the article she seems more skeptical and suggests surgery.  I feel like this post is also turning into a meandering rant.  It’s late, and sleep is important, so I think I’m just gonna call it.