I’m still feeling pretty keyed today. I had dental work, so I’m now keyed and sore. Taking Advil and watching the Circle (guilty pleasure). Followed by bed.
I am limiting my interactions with people as much as possible. One clue to my manic ascent is that I want to be friends with everyone. I am reeling it in now; saying no to going out with friends, not pushing to make friends with strangers, and not reaching out to acquaintances.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s Party!’”
— Robin Williams
The sun has been shining for days. This is a bit peculiar in this neck of the woods, so I have the windows open and will go outside for a walk this afternoon. Yet I will temper my hypomanic little self and not go for a walkabout.
Last night, I took a Seroquel to sleep heavy. I avoid this one as much as possible. This is my heavy hitter, my Harley’s Hammer to get some sound sleep. It puts me to sleep and keeps me there. However, waking up feels like fighting a battle against sleep (and walking around at night is bruisy).
For decades, I didn’t know there were medications that simmer me down (I think I’ve lamented this in a previous post). I knew that antidepressants could throw me for a loop and Lithium can stabilize, but not 100% (for me). So I played the game of wait for mania. Winning this game was often accompanied by an incredulous look from a doctor and some variation of the words “you must not be taking your lithium.”
When my husband gets sick (hospitalized/ED sick), I often push myself into exhaustion and out jumps my friend mania. I don’t blame her, I think she is there to help me eek out that extra energy I need. When I start to feel “keyed” or like I’m turned up to 11, I take a clonazepam and do something that will help me simmer down now; listen to music – super chill playlists, breathe, tapping and VR meditate (new additions to the repertoire), etc. I feel like a robot fighting to power itself down. Gentle huzzah, sometimes it works. I’m still in gently choppy waters. Breathe in four, hold four, out eight. Tomorrow is another day.
Last week, I was sitting outside a bookstore drinking coffee with a friend, when the book “Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies” by Tara Schuster caught my eye. I picked it up and can’t put it down. It is a beautifully written and brutally honest book about self care. I’ve been devouring self help books for many years, I started with Dyer, then Carnegie, Robbins, Tolle, Julia Cameron, etc.
I’ve found some wonderful rituals in this book (like buying lilies that make the whole place smell like heaven). Some things I’ve encountered before, but I didn’t feel ready/open to them. For example, I’ve been trying to do gratitude lists for years, and every time it feels like homework. Ugh. I also stopped doing morning pages (ala Julia Cameron), because they felt cumbersome and time consuming. For some reason the way Tara explained gratitude, helped me see the value of them. It is like tipping the scales in my brain from evil to good. “Always look on the bright side of life” – Monty Python crew.
My husband had heart surgery the day before yesterday. I sat in the car outside (because of COVID protocols) and journaled, when I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin (the surgery went a little long), I started writing a gratitude list and I didn’t stop until the surgeon called. I think I always thought they had to be momentous things, but I got down to things like the smell of a burnt match. So lovely.
OK, time to pull out the Bipolar card and dust it off. I haven’t written about it in quite a while. When I last wrote, I was reducing my lithium, because my Endocronoligist said my Calcium was too high. Stressors increased (shared global pandemic and staying in my home 24/7 for a year). Went back to my former dosage, and my calcium is fine now. It’s kind of a crap shoot. My brother said yesterday that my kidneys have survived longer than he expected. Leave it to family to always know the right thing to say. That was a concern when I started lithium at 16, and I’m now 45. I just keep getting all the tests done, and things have been going pretty well. My husband and I are vaccinated, which is a relief, except for the variants. At this point I’m just looking the other way like I do in Silent Hill (if I can’t see it I’m fine). We also take every precaution.
My main concern today, is that almost every time my husband is ill and I take care of him, we have a certain point where he has to slow me down. Like one time I was reality/delusion testing in World of Warcraft.
I took a clonazepam, because I can sense the need to reach out and connect with everyone. That is usually my first indicator that I’m pushing myself too hard and mania creeping up on me. I did talk to him about blogging again, because he is my touchstone in times like this. Like the rest of this blog, it is a place for me to share when I’m feeling closer to the edge. I read some of the other blogs, and I’m comforted and astounded at all of the beautiful bipolar family out there in the ether. I will continue to follow more. When I was diagnosed there was no internet, and this is an exciting place to find a community who are also “Touched with Fire” – Kay Redfield Jamison. She was my first introduction to a successul, brilliant bipolar woman. She gave me hope when I was young that I can live a wonderful life. I have a signed copy that my mother gave me after my diagnosis.
I will write more later, but the clonazepam and mindless show Shiprwrecked are starting to drain my brain for now.
Peace and love.
Reset password and brushing off my bipolar blog soon.
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 