While seeking out new entertainment, I tripped upon a show called, “A Life in Ten Pictures” from BBC. The episode about Carrie Fisher was wonderful.
Conserving words today: my bipolar brain in three pictures:
Month: January 2024
Everything Everywhere All At Once is not Sustainable
After a few days of poor sleep, I took a Seroquel last night at 9:30pm. I went to bed immediately knowing that it can affect my mobility. At 10pm, I woke up with a rapid heartbeat. I started to panic that it had interacted with something else, and there was no way to turn back. I took an ECG test on my watch. The results were that it was not a-fib and my HR was 99. After imagining the worst for a bit, I did some deep breathing and fell back to sleep. I slept for eleven solid, blissful hours. I woke up this morning and asked the interwebs about the rapid heart rate – BARD (told me to go to the ER), Google, and Reddit. I found that a rapid heartbeat can be a side effect of Seroquel. Phew.
I had a lovely day. First, my hubby and I met this morning. We meet every week to discuss aspects of our life, and we have done this for about ten years. I love our strategy sessions and brainstorming to make our lives run more smoothly. We also use it to discuss things like our mental health.
The movie title “Everything Everywhere All at Once” is a great five words to describe hypomania/mania.
Today, I:
- Created a Sheet recommendation list (movies/tv/books/podcasts/restaurants, etc.) and shared it with my friends. I’m always adding people’s recommendations to my Notes app and losing them.
- Created a Sheet to hold our meeting notes (topics: money, house, exercise, deposits, etc.).
- Deposits – activities that add to my emotional bank (tarot, knitting, movies, video games, etc.).
- Set Tasks and reminders for myself and our home – laundry, changed sheets, cleaned the table.
- Watched RuPaul’s Drag Race while FaceTiming with friends.
- Reached out to a friend who wanted to FaceTime this weekend.
- Cancelled the group mediation group I started three weeks ago due to the ice.
- Listened to the American Gods soundtrack (I too often listen to the same music on a loop).
- Watched a movie from my recommendations – Lloyd the Conqueror (entertained us both, which is a masterful feat).
- Played some World of Warcraft
I think the biggest win I had today was not going for a walk this evening when my task reminder went off. I have to remind myself to simmer down and focus on just being here.
Simmer Down Plan
- Make some tea with inositol
- Start a fire (we are having temperatures in the teens)
- Listen to my “Simmer Down” Apple Music playlist
- Knit the scarf I started when I had surgery. One of these days I need to learn how to cast off…
- Catch up on my Ten Percent Happier meditation challenge (Imperfect Meditation)
- Early bedtime with a clonazepam at the ready
C is for Clonazepam
I have stopped regularly taking clonazepam. For many years, I took it nightly to sleep. It was prescribed after I learned it could help stave off mania if I catch it early. I now only take it if I can’t sleep well. Last night, I woke up at 2am and couldn’t go back to sleep. At three, I took a clonazepam and started reading a biography about Orson Welles instead of getting sucked into TikTok. My solid, well-protected, almost eight hours of sleep a night has been slipping. I’ve been so exhausted and busy today. Or normally busy with a side of exhaustion.
I’m glad that I logged on today, because I just remembered that I have Seroquel in my tool pouch. The downside is that I will feel hung over tomorrow, but it is worth it if I can get my sleep schedule righted.
I just finished watching the movie “Self Reliance” on Hulu. It was a good movie. I didn’t know much about it, but it was not great timing for a movie that reminded me so much of 1997 movie “The Game.” I switched it to “Ted” for my hubby, and this show is definitely not for me. It’s time to retire, pop a prescribed pill, and learn more about Orson Welles.
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Ernest Hemingway
The C Word
cra·zy
1. very foolish, irrational, or strange.
2. extremely excited or enthusiastic.
3. having a mental illness. [offensive]
There is nothing lazier than beginning with a definition, but here I am.
My relationship with the word crazy is tumultuous, so much so that I’ve blogged about it before (multiple times). I like the word, there are so many times when it is perfect, e.g., “The move Brazil was crazy and wonderful.” Like the more famous C word, it can have a devastating impact on me. A close family member stops me when I say it to explain that it is not OK, because he has family who are crazy [me]. Blerg. I think I’m just describing an opportunity for better boundary setting, and the word crazy doesn’t deserve to be bullied. Words are beautiful, wonderful, crazy things that shouldn’t be censored. Maybe this one just needs some new friends: unconventional, eccentric, quirky, unorthodox, wacky, outlandish, bizarre, weird, strange, peculiar, daft, zany, off the wall.
Bottom line — just don’t be an ass.
Elevator Go Up
After a year of mostly depression and anxiety, yesterday I took a quick swing up. It reminds me of the ride at carnivals that shoots a bench of people “high” into the air. A combination of factors kept me running all day, and I ended the day worried about my sanity. I felt like a strong current ran through my body all day, and I was ravenous and exhausted when the day ended.
I hate being scared of joy. What a weird problem to have, and I think only my fellow bipolar family can truly understand this terror. So many serendipitous things occurred, and I had to try not to put too much stock in them. For example, after a year of doing tarot in my free time and pulling a ridiculous amount of ten of swords cards, I pulled all cups yesterday after someone gave me career guidance when I was feeling low about my prospects. They opened up some options to me that I had not considered at all. For the first time in years, I feel excited about growing my career and not just fighting to excel in a toxic environment. I had therapy last night and Li labs scheduled today (perfect timing). I couldn’t sleep last night, so I took clonazepam. I’ve weaned off of daily clonazepam, and I feel better for it. Also, my dreams are more vivid and interesting. My therapist loves the new dreams that I bring into therapy; my subconscious is working overtime.
My medication has changed. My new psychiatrist is open to non-traditional meds to work toward replacing Lithium (due to the chronic kidney disease). She started me on Inositol powder and upped by Magnesium Glycinate and NAC. Aside from the cost of OTC supplements, I’ve been happy with the results. However, it was weird to be prescribed Inositol until it elicits diarrhea – then back down. That was a new dose guideline. I’m holding on to lithium for a few more months. After 30 years, it is hard to quit her.
I stopped to tell my husband what I was typing up over here, because he knows I took today off to decompress. He also knows I would sneak into work to get stuff done. He shared with me that he is not concerned that I am manic, he just felt that I was stressed yesterday. Well, here’s to listening to my body and slowing down when I need to.
I’d like to fold this blog back into my self-care, now that I feel like I’m coming out of hibernation. Hopefully, I will see this page soon.
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 