I got my Depakote prescription. I can’t get up the nerve to start taking it. I’ve just been burned so many times, and I’m also worried about weight gain. Especially being in the dark time of the year, when I just want to go from work to bed every day.
Ugh.
I’ve tried multiple drugs to replace Lithium now that I have Kidney Disease. Geodon, Lamictal, and Seroquel. All disastrous, and I just received Depakote. I need to have a few more days of sleeping all night before I try a new one.
AI is getting pretty good — “woman trying multiple psychotropic medicines to get off of one that caused ckd”.
Earlier today, I think I had an analogy about my energy being a battery that is depleted by being around people. It is feeling pretty low. Too low to flesh that analogy out. Went to my in-laws to move everything around one more time.
On our way “home”, I started to panic about the move. My sanctuary time is so important to keeping my battery full. When I got home I went for a walk to clear my head.
Sitting here in a warm blanket and half watching the new Matlock. I apologized to my husband, I know he is going through so much, too. I’m reminded of my favorite poet and the need to revisit my lungs.
my brain and
heart divorced
a decade ago
over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become
eventually,
they couldn’t be
in the same room
with each other
now my head and heart
share custody of me
stay with my brain
during the week
and my heart
gets me on weekends
they never speak to one another
– instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week
and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:
“This is all your fault’
on Sundays
my heart complains
about how my
head has let me down
in the past
and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future
they blame each
other for the
state of my life
there’s been a lot
of yelling – and crying
SO,
lately, I’ve been
spending a lot of
time with my gut
who serves as my
unofficial therapist
most nights, sneak out of the
window in my ribcage
and slide down my spine
and collapse on my
gut’s plush leather chair
that’s always open for me
~ and just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up
last evening,
my gut asked me
if was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head
nodded
said didn’t know
if could live with
either of them anymore
“my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow,
lamented
my gut squeezed my hand
‘just can’t live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,’
sighed
my gut smiled and said:
‘in that case,
you should
go stay with your
lungs for a while,’
was confused
– the look on my face gave it away
“if you are exhausted about
your heart’s obsession with
the fixed past and your mind’s focus
on the uncertain future
your lungs are the perfect place for you
there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either
there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment
there is only breath
and in that breath
you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out.’
this morning,
while my brain
was busy reading
tea leaves
and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs
packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
my lungs
before could even knock
she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me
she said
“what took you so long?’
by John Roedel
Even more beautiful out of his own mouth.
I’m in my own home for the first day this week. No one hovering over me, following me into rooms, questioning me about my stuff. OK, enough complaining.
Probably still depressed, just want to curl up today. Sitting in my hubby’s chair with a heated blanket and my laptop. He is with family playing DnD. I love DnD for him. I only played once, but it is a nice time for us to do our own things.
I pulled out my art supplies and turned my empty office into a makeshift studio. I painted a large painting that got some of my election anxiety out, and I got to get a little messy. I’m trying to figure out how to practice calligraphy with my Surface. I’m not sure I want to get inky messy, too.
I’m also wanting to start a class on relearning knitting. I had so many ideas in hypo mania, now I’ve got a very large list of things to do. It is sad when the passion starts to dim. I spent a lot of trying writing down things I want to do before the light goes out. My interest in Magick is always stronger then, too. Luckily, my husband is interested in rituals and Oracle/Tarot cards.
Time to rest, eat what I want, watch what I want. Savor the freedom.
Quick AI image of treasuring alone time and rest…
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 