Category: bipolar

Elevator Go Up

On By SararosesIn bipolar, Journal, Mental HealthLeave a comment

After a year of mostly depression and anxiety, yesterday I took a quick swing up. It reminds me of the ride at carnivals that shoots a bench of people “high” into the air. A combination of factors kept me running all day, and I ended the day worried about my sanity. I felt like a strong current ran through my body all day, and I was ravenous and exhausted when the day ended.

I hate being scared of joy. What a weird problem to have, and I think only my fellow bipolar family can truly understand this terror. So many serendipitous things occurred, and I had to try not to put too much stock in them. For example, after a year of doing tarot in my free time and pulling a ridiculous amount of ten of swords cards, I pulled all cups yesterday after someone gave me career guidance when I was feeling low about my prospects. They opened up some options to me that I had not considered at all. For the first time in years, I feel excited about growing my career and not just fighting to excel in a toxic environment. I had therapy last night and Li labs scheduled today (perfect timing). I couldn’t sleep last night, so I took clonazepam. I’ve weaned off of daily clonazepam, and I feel better for it. Also, my dreams are more vivid and interesting. My therapist loves the new dreams that I bring into therapy; my subconscious is working overtime.

My medication has changed. My new psychiatrist is open to non-traditional meds to work toward replacing Lithium (due to the chronic kidney disease). She started me on Inositol powder and upped by Magnesium Glycinate and NAC. Aside from the cost of OTC supplements, I’ve been happy with the results. However, it was weird to be prescribed Inositol until it elicits diarrhea – then back down. That was a new dose guideline. I’m holding on to lithium for a few more months. After 30 years, it is hard to quit her.

I stopped to tell my husband what I was typing up over here, because he knows I took today off to decompress. He also knows I would sneak into work to get stuff done. He shared with me that he is not concerned that I am manic, he just felt that I was stressed yesterday.  Well, here’s to listening to my body and slowing down when I need to. 

I’d like to fold this blog back into my self-care, now that I feel like I’m coming out of hibernation. Hopefully, I will see this page soon. 

Paying the Piper

On By SararosesIn bipolar, Journal, Mental HealthLeave a comment

I’ve been taking lithium since I was 16.  With only three manias under my belt, I feel that it has been a mostly successful treatment.  I was warned of the negative side effects, but they always felt small next to the possibility of losing touch with reality.   I’ve never noticed most them, because lithium has always been a part of my life (except toxicity – that is hell on earth).

When I turned forty, my specialists seemed to multiply like a wet gremlin.  This year, I started seeing an endocrinologist who is treating hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism that have sprung up over the last couple of years.  She suggested I stop taking lithium.  To hear someone casually suggest that made my heart drop to my stomach.  When I talked to my psychiatrist, we both agreed that decreasing would be a better first step than switching to a new drug.  Ugh.  The thought of switching scares me more than bathing in spiders; I still remember the pain of starting lithium.  He also mentioned that there is a journal that states that if you have been taking lithium for more than ten years, the calcium/parathyroid imbalances may be permanent.  So, yay, I could go through a painful switch for other side effects plus these.

He reduced my dose by 150mg the Monday before last.  That week I was terrified of every ounce of glee and not falling to sleep.  My husband watched me like a hawk, which always makes me feel loved but a little anxious.  Friday of that week, I dislocated my shoulder, probably Her way of getting my mind off of the lithium.  However, it messed with my sleep (the most important thing to someone with bipolar disorder).  Two nights in a row, I woke up wide awake at 1am or 2am in too much pain and too alert to go back to sleep (or was I manic?).  I once had a provider say one night is OK, two is cause for concern.  I sparingly took diclofenac, something my doctor warned me to not take for more than a week (ibuprofen and lithium are bad bedfellows, but let’s not think about kidneys right now).

The shoulder is back in place (ouch), and I’ve started PT.  The sleep has normalized, and my husband said that I’m more myself now.  We’ll see if the reduction of lithium helps reduce the endo issues in a few months.

The main thing that I have noticed, is that I’m dreaming again, well remembering them.  I haven’t remembered my dreams, steadily, since I was a teenager.  It is kind of amazing, except for the nightmares. Crossing my fingers for sweet dreams and steady sleeping.

 

Swing Low

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I’m pretty low this weekend.  After over a month of high stress, I just feel wiped.  I’m cranky.  I’m sure that digging into past abuses is a big part of it.  I’m reading a book called Courage to Heal.  I think I need to take it slowly, so I’m putting the book down for the rest of the weekend.

On the physical front, I’m using an app called Lark. I love numbers and stats, so when it told me my movement was really low, that helped kindly kick me in the butt last night to go to the gym at 10pm.  It felt good to blast the music and shut off my head.

Today I started worrying because I’m losing weight.  What a messed up conundrum.  I’m unhappy when I’m overweight, and I worry when I lose weight.  When I’m manic, I can lose double digits in less than a month.  My coach is happy that my weight is going down, but I can’t help worrying that I’m getting sick.  Logically I know that it’s cutting out sugar in my coffee, eating healthier and walking an hour or more every day, because I live downtown now. I just get so sad and frustrated that this disorder causes me to question positive things in my life.

I just realized I started writing about depression and slipped into fears of mania.  I’m not sure where my head is right now, but I’m trying to stick with weekly blogging as a way to take care of myself and talk through the feelings I keep hidden.  Maybe next week I’ll feel clearer.

sunmoon
Dark Side of the Sun

 

 

 

Life Line

On By SararosesIn bipolar, Mental Health3 Comments

Since I was 16, I’ve bounced from psychiatrist to psychiatrist.  I’ve seen them retire, move, and start new practices that are outside my network.  Each time telling me what a great patient I am, and then I have a helluva time finding a new one.  I know from both sides how hard it is to find a psychiatrist.  I worked admissions for a mental health agency, and it was heartbreaking to send so many people in need away with a list of providers I knew had full caseloads.  Recently, my psychiatrist left to start his own practice.  The news was terrifying to me; it feels like a break up.  If things are going well, we just do a quick check in, but when mania strikes, they are crucial.  They assured me that my PCP could take over my care.  Having been through this, I knew that was not likely.  When I went to my PCP and mentioned my meds to the medical assistant, he said that she doesn’t work with lithium.  So, again, I put my best foot forward and tried to convince someone to treat me. She agreed when I explained that things are going well (now). if I require any changes in my meds, I know I’ll need to find a new psychiatrist  [shudder].

Last week, I requested a refill of my clonazepam.  The nurse left me a message.  I was advised that they will give me a month’s worth “this time” (with a tone that implied I’m trying to pull one over on them),  but I need to see the doctor for a med check (maybe something they could have scheduled with me when they agreed to take over my care).  I’ve been on this medication for years and it has saved me from a dangerous spike several times.  This dance took two days of back and forth where I was out of a med that can cause seizures if you just quit it. (How serious stopping the amount I’m on varies from psych to psych.)

I know how whiny this sounds, but I’m tired of having to fight to stay healthy with a disorder that many, many people (even in the medical community) just don’t fully understand.  When you get down to it, I’m scared.  I’m scared I’ll go crazy again.  I know I’ll crazy again, but I’m scared that safety net won’t be there to catch me.   I have hope that people are starting to come out of the closet to fight the stigma, and maybe people that come after me, or kids now, will have it easier.

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