Category: Journal

Elevator Go Up

On By SararosesIn bipolar, Journal, Mental HealthLeave a comment

After a year of mostly depression and anxiety, yesterday I took a quick swing up. It reminds me of the ride at carnivals that shoots a bench of people “high” into the air. A combination of factors kept me running all day, and I ended the day worried about my sanity. I felt like a strong current ran through my body all day, and I was ravenous and exhausted when the day ended.

I hate being scared of joy. What a weird problem to have, and I think only my fellow bipolar family can truly understand this terror. So many serendipitous things occurred, and I had to try not to put too much stock in them. For example, after a year of doing tarot in my free time and pulling a ridiculous amount of ten of swords cards, I pulled all cups yesterday after someone gave me career guidance when I was feeling low about my prospects. They opened up some options to me that I had not considered at all. For the first time in years, I feel excited about growing my career and not just fighting to excel in a toxic environment. I had therapy last night and Li labs scheduled today (perfect timing). I couldn’t sleep last night, so I took clonazepam. I’ve weaned off of daily clonazepam, and I feel better for it. Also, my dreams are more vivid and interesting. My therapist loves the new dreams that I bring into therapy; my subconscious is working overtime.

My medication has changed. My new psychiatrist is open to non-traditional meds to work toward replacing Lithium (due to the chronic kidney disease). She started me on Inositol powder and upped by Magnesium Glycinate and NAC. Aside from the cost of OTC supplements, I’ve been happy with the results. However, it was weird to be prescribed Inositol until it elicits diarrhea – then back down. That was a new dose guideline. I’m holding on to lithium for a few more months. After 30 years, it is hard to quit her.

I stopped to tell my husband what I was typing up over here, because he knows I took today off to decompress. He also knows I would sneak into work to get stuff done. He shared with me that he is not concerned that I am manic, he just felt that I was stressed yesterday.  Well, here’s to listening to my body and slowing down when I need to. 

I’d like to fold this blog back into my self-care, now that I feel like I’m coming out of hibernation. Hopefully, I will see this page soon. 

Paying the Piper

On By SararosesIn bipolar, Journal, Mental HealthLeave a comment

I’ve been taking lithium since I was 16.  With only three manias under my belt, I feel that it has been a mostly successful treatment.  I was warned of the negative side effects, but they always felt small next to the possibility of losing touch with reality.   I’ve never noticed most them, because lithium has always been a part of my life (except toxicity – that is hell on earth).

When I turned forty, my specialists seemed to multiply like a wet gremlin.  This year, I started seeing an endocrinologist who is treating hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism that have sprung up over the last couple of years.  She suggested I stop taking lithium.  To hear someone casually suggest that made my heart drop to my stomach.  When I talked to my psychiatrist, we both agreed that decreasing would be a better first step than switching to a new drug.  Ugh.  The thought of switching scares me more than bathing in spiders; I still remember the pain of starting lithium.  He also mentioned that there is a journal that states that if you have been taking lithium for more than ten years, the calcium/parathyroid imbalances may be permanent.  So, yay, I could go through a painful switch for other side effects plus these.

He reduced my dose by 150mg the Monday before last.  That week I was terrified of every ounce of glee and not falling to sleep.  My husband watched me like a hawk, which always makes me feel loved but a little anxious.  Friday of that week, I dislocated my shoulder, probably Her way of getting my mind off of the lithium.  However, it messed with my sleep (the most important thing to someone with bipolar disorder).  Two nights in a row, I woke up wide awake at 1am or 2am in too much pain and too alert to go back to sleep (or was I manic?).  I once had a provider say one night is OK, two is cause for concern.  I sparingly took diclofenac, something my doctor warned me to not take for more than a week (ibuprofen and lithium are bad bedfellows, but let’s not think about kidneys right now).

The shoulder is back in place (ouch), and I’ve started PT.  The sleep has normalized, and my husband said that I’m more myself now.  We’ll see if the reduction of lithium helps reduce the endo issues in a few months.

The main thing that I have noticed, is that I’m dreaming again, well remembering them.  I haven’t remembered my dreams, steadily, since I was a teenager.  It is kind of amazing, except for the nightmares. Crossing my fingers for sweet dreams and steady sleeping.

 

Valentine’s Meh

On By SararosesIn JournalLeave a comment

I’m pretty sure my low mood last week had to do with getting sick.  Everyone at work is sick, and  I thought I was outsmarting it by bathing in Purell.  Nope.  Nope. Nope. Thursday, I remember looking at a poster about stroke symptoms by the copier.  That night, I had a terrifying dream about having a stroke.  I woke up with a nasty headache and googled strokes.  I also checked in the mirror.  It’s amazing what I’ll believe in the middle of the night.  Babadook had me running to the bathroom for several days.  I went back to sleep and woke up  extremely dizzy.  The walk to the bathroom was a challenge.  When I was in college I used to get labyrinthitis like other people got the sniffles, and it felt a little like that.  I fought through it and made it to work.  By the afternoon, I felt like it was 30 degrees in my cubey, but the thermometer said 72.  Merde.  Went home and immediately to bed.  Yesterday, I dragged myself out to Deadpool  with my Hubby (and loved it).  A pretty low key Valentine’s Day here.  My head hurts too much to think about my mood today.  Back to the heating pad and Netflix and not chill.