Ugh. I’m pretty sure I’m coming down off of my hypo high. Ugh. I hate this part. Everything was so easy last week (except sleep). One day, one minute, one second at a time. Going to bed early and hoping to get more than four hours of sleep.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with my boss to discuss a possible raise, which probably means a definite increase in responsibility. I don’t know if I can handle this. I saw my therapist today, and she is quitting her practice. Maybe I’ve said that. I feel allover the place tonight.
Another night of 4.5 hours of sleep. Ugh. It is so frustrating taking more clonazepam, and feeling wide awake most of the night. I keep forgetting to get out of bed and read a book. Sharing an office with my father-in-law was a challenge. During a meeting, his wife’s phone kept going off. I’m hoping with a full night a sleep, I will see things differently.
We moved our offices to my husband’s father’s house today, and boy is my back tired. In good news, I slept over ten hours last night. Ten, sweet, sweet hours, and I only took two clonazepam. After a month of half sleep, this has been such a relief. With all the moving we did today, I expect to crash hard tonight.
I’m still feeling easily irritated, but I’m meditating every day to try to keep my mood balanced. We are doing our first day of work at the new “office” tomorrow. We are also bringing our cat over. I’m manifesting that he will acclimate well and not leave the house (as a docile Ragdoll who loves to run).
I am running a horror movie trivia for my brother, friend and hubby. Today the question was about the book that was the source of Hellraiser. Two of them showed a picture of the book and one was signed. I love them.
I just took my meds, and I’m starting to get sleepy.
After Lamictal gave me rashes, my Pdoc suggested Seroquel. I tried for a few days, but the fatigue was like a perma-hangover. I need to be on top of my game at work, so this is a no go. I also had trouble sleeping. I learned from my Sleep doctor that antipsychotics exacerbate sleep movement disorders. If it’s not one thing it is six others. 😐 He wanted me to switch to Latuda (another antipsychotic). Ugh.
I joined an amazing forum called Bipolar UK https://ecommunity.bipolaruk.org/. I learned so much from the users there. I’m going to try Depakote next. He said it works better for mania, which has always been my biggest issue for the last thirty years. The worst depression/anxiety came from the Geodon trial.
Earlier this month my mother-in-law died, and almost ten of her family members contracted COVID while visiting her. This was my first COVID dx. There is some relief that I don’t have to live in a bubble worrying about getting it. It was unpleasant but manageable. The hardest part was that none of us could be there when she died. Being high risk, I was prescribed Paxlovid, and the nurse told me to stop taking my sleep meds (clonazepam). If I had a nickel every time that happened, I’d have 10 cents, but it SUCKS. It has been 25 days and I am still sleeping 4-5 hours. My sleep doc told me to up my Clonazepam to 2-3 mg. I had one eight hours and last night was five. It gets so frustrating not being able to sleep. I get so down on my self, even though I know it is my brain. In the morning my husband registers worry and pain on his face, and I feel even worse.
We are moving in with his father to help take care of him. When I got my psychology undergrad in the 90s, I remember a list of the worst stressors. It feels like I’m hitting too many at once – death, moving, hypomania, lack of sleep, and the therapist is closing her practice. Luckily, my relationship with my hubby of 25 years last month is as strong as ever.
We bought ourselves laptops for retail therapy. So far, I love it. Gives me a way to write, work on my photos, learn more things (knitting, guitar/cello), meet more people. I’m aware that my social circle has dwindled to just a few people. I’d like to get back to UU church and go to some meetups. I had a mediation group with my mother-in-law, but I need to find a new one.
I’m finally getting to a point where I don’t need to repeat things over and over to keep focus. When I can’t sleep I’ve been noting things I don’t want to forget. It includes fifty items that I dropped into AI, to create a categorized Google Sheet. I also started a Google Sheet of MBA programs. AI has been super helpful, and it is the only thing that feels like it keeps up with a manic brain.
I’m tired and ready to slow down. I hope I sleep all night tomorrow, because we are moving our offices to my in-laws tomorrow.
A little meandery today, but I wanted to jump back on the blog.
In June, we got a new kitten in our house. After losing our 14-year-old ragdoll last year, I thought I would never get over it. This little (soon to be humongous) creature lights up my life. He’ll do a call and response meow every time I enter the room and rush into our backpack, so I’ll take him for a walk. There is very little better than purrs and cuddles.
I got my kidney labs today. Disheartening, that they were not good, even though I hydrated per the doc, and I’ve been doing low sodium eating. I was sad, but I will wait to see what the nephrologist says. I also meditated in VR (Tripp), which helped a bit, too.
I tried another alternative to Lithium. I learned quickly that I am allergic to Lamictal. Strike one (Geodon) and two (Lamictal). I will try to take less lithium, but I’m not optimistic that that will be enough. I need a break before I try another alternative.
Last week I had a hypomanic episode. Thank goodness for clonazepam and Seroquel. During my last manic episode, I found this scale. It helped so much to have a clear scale to explain my mood to my doctors/therapists. It also helps to see when I’m nearing the danger zone. Last week I was at a seven, so my work was on fire. I’ve been to ten multiple times in my life (more before I found clonazepam).
Time to watch something humorous and see why my phone is blowing up. May be a response to my charming and talkative self last week.
After a few days of poor sleep, I took a Seroquel last night at 9:30pm. I went to bed immediately knowing that it can affect my mobility. At 10pm, I woke up with a rapid heartbeat. I started to panic that it had interacted with something else, and there was no way to turn back. I took an ECG test on my watch. The results were that it was not a-fib and my HR was 99. After imagining the worst for a bit, I did some deep breathing and fell back to sleep. I slept for eleven solid, blissful hours. I woke up this morning and asked the interwebs about the rapid heart rate – BARD (told me to go to the ER), Google, and Reddit. I found that a rapid heartbeat can be a side effect of Seroquel. Phew.
I had a lovely day. First, my hubby and I met this morning. We meet every week to discuss aspects of our life, and we have done this for about ten years. I love our strategy sessions and brainstorming to make our lives run more smoothly. We also use it to discuss things like our mental health.
The movie title “Everything Everywhere All at Once” is a great five words to describe hypomania/mania.
Today, I:
Created a Sheet recommendation list (movies/tv/books/podcasts/restaurants, etc.) and shared it with my friends. I’m always adding people’s recommendations to my Notes app and losing them.
Created a Sheet to hold our meeting notes (topics: money, house, exercise, deposits, etc.).
Deposits – activities that add to my emotional bank (tarot, knitting, movies, video games, etc.).
Set Tasks and reminders for myself and our home – laundry, changed sheets, cleaned the table.
Watched RuPaul’s Drag Race while FaceTiming with friends.
Reached out to a friend who wanted to FaceTime this weekend.
Cancelled the group mediation group I started three weeks ago due to the ice.
Listened to the American Gods soundtrack (I too often listen to the same music on a loop).
Watched a movie from my recommendations – Lloyd the Conqueror (entertained us both, which is a masterful feat).
Played some World of Warcraft
I think the biggest win I had today was not going for a walk this evening when my task reminder went off. I have to remind myself to simmer down and focus on just being here.
Simmer Down Plan
Make some tea with inositol
Start a fire (we are having temperatures in the teens)
Listen to my “Simmer Down” Apple Music playlist
Knit the scarf I started when I had surgery. One of these days I need to learn how to cast off…
Catch up on my Ten Percent Happier meditation challenge (Imperfect Meditation)
I have stopped regularly taking clonazepam. For many years, I took it nightly to sleep. It was prescribed after I learned it could help stave off mania if I catch it early. I now only take it if I can’t sleep well. Last night, I woke up at 2am and couldn’t go back to sleep. At three, I took a clonazepam and started reading a biography about Orson Welles instead of getting sucked into TikTok. My solid, well-protected, almost eight hours of sleep a night has been slipping. I’ve been so exhausted and busy today. Or normally busy with a side of exhaustion.
I’m glad that I logged on today, because I just remembered that I have Seroquel in my tool pouch. The downside is that I will feel hung over tomorrow, but it is worth it if I can get my sleep schedule righted.
I just finished watching the movie “Self Reliance” on Hulu. It was a good movie. I didn’t know much about it, but it was not great timing for a movie that reminded me so much of 1997 movie “The Game.” I switched it to “Ted” for my hubby, and this show is definitely not for me. It’s time to retire, pop a prescribed pill, and learn more about Orson Welles.
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Ernest Hemingway
cra·zy 1. very foolish, irrational, or strange. 2. extremely excited or enthusiastic. 3. having a mental illness. [offensive]
There is nothing lazier than beginning with a definition, but here I am.
My relationship with the word crazy is tumultuous, so much so that I’ve blogged about it before (multiple times). I like the word, there are so many times when it is perfect, e.g., “The move Brazil was crazy and wonderful.” Like the more famous C word, it can have a devastating impact on me. A close family member stops me when I say it to explain that it is not OK, because he has family who are crazy [me]. Blerg. I think I’m just describing an opportunity for better boundary setting, and the word crazy doesn’t deserve to be bullied. Words are beautiful, wonderful, crazy things that shouldn’t be censored. Maybe this one just needs some new friends: unconventional, eccentric, quirky, unorthodox, wacky, outlandish, bizarre, weird, strange, peculiar, daft, zany, off the wall.
After a year of mostly depression and anxiety, yesterday I took a quick swing up. It reminds me of the ride at carnivals that shoots a bench of people “high” into the air. A combination of factors kept me running all day, and I ended the day worried about my sanity. I felt like a strong current ran through my body all day, and I was ravenous and exhausted when the day ended.
I hate being scared of joy. What a weird problem to have, and I think only my fellow bipolar family can truly understand this terror. So many serendipitous things occurred, and I had to try not to put too much stock in them. For example, after a year of doing tarot in my free time and pulling a ridiculous amount of ten of swords cards, I pulled all cups yesterday after someone gave me career guidance when I was feeling low about my prospects. They opened up some options to me that I had not considered at all. For the first time in years, I feel excited about growing my career and not just fighting to excel in a toxic environment. I had therapy last night and Li labs scheduled today (perfect timing). I couldn’t sleep last night, so I took clonazepam. I’ve weaned off of daily clonazepam, and I feel better for it. Also, my dreams are more vivid and interesting. My therapist loves the new dreams that I bring into therapy; my subconscious is working overtime.
My medication has changed. My new psychiatrist is open to non-traditional meds to work toward replacing Lithium (due to the chronic kidney disease). She started me on Inositol powder and upped by Magnesium Glycinate and NAC. Aside from the cost of OTC supplements, I’ve been happy with the results. However, it was weird to be prescribed Inositol until it elicits diarrhea – then back down. That was a new dose guideline. I’m holding on to lithium for a few more months. After 30 years, it is hard to quit her.
I stopped to tell my husband what I was typing up over here, because he knows I took today off to decompress. He also knows I would sneak into work to get stuff done. He shared with me that he is not concerned that I am manic, he just felt that I was stressed yesterday. Well, here’s to listening to my body and slowing down when I need to.
I’d like to fold this blog back into my self-care, now that I feel like I’m coming out of hibernation. Hopefully, I will see this page soon.
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 