I ended the transition to Geodon when it started giving me severe anxiety. I’m back on my old regimen, but I’ve been depressed for a few weeks. I guess I can’t be too surprised. After mania in June and totally upending my drugs, it was a shock to my system.

I’m rewatching shows that don’t intensify the discomfort like Superstore and Speechless. I want to celebrate spooky season, but I can’t stomach it.

I’m reading a book called “The Comfort Book”, and playing my happy playlist. The book continues to offer hope, and that is worth the price of admission.

My husband tries so hard to brighten my day. He sings to me, and brought me the sweetest Ludo stuffy.

I went to Reddit for a happy cry movie, and Paddington 2 was much better than I expected.

I’ve been avoiding writing, but I think I need to accept that I’m going through a rough patch in order to make any space for hope that things can improve.

I also hope the unhealthy air quality from the fires improves. Walking in nature brings me comfort. For now, I took half a Clonazepam to help break up the ugh.

Three cheers for sleeping all night after three days of full strength Geodon at night. (I also added a lil CBD to this mix and watched some of the anxiety melt away, placebo effect? Maybe.)

Started 60mg of Geodon two days ago. I feel on edge about every little pain in my jaw or grogginess.

My hubby has been sweet and reassuring during this transition. He is my smismar.

I want to drop the lithium and feel less drugged, but I get the need to take it slow. My psychiatrist is going on vacation as well, and he’s not keen on me manic while he is away. Both my therapist and psychiatrist are taking vacations at the same time. The nerve of providers, thinking they get vacations.

I worry about keeping up with the Joneses at work. I work remotely, but it is stressful, and I feel more bumbly now. I try to imagine what to tell my boss, if they notice. I tell them nothing about my mental health. I don’t need to offer any ammunition. It is a job I will probably try to leave after I stabilize.

I try to remind myself the last big med change occurred in a hospital when I was 16. This is a big change, and it’s OK to be scared. Thanks, Self. I’d like to picture my future self thanking me for making the switch. My future self with happier kidneys and dreams.

I’m still moving from Lithium to Geodon. I’m taking both now, and I’m on the lowest amount of Lithium I’ve been on in 30 years. One thing I didn’t expect was the return of vivid dreams. When I was a kid, I had vivid and even lucid dreams. What a shock to have them back. I had a brief period of dream recall when I used sensory deprivation pods. I did some “eugoogling” and found that people with bipolar disorder have more nightmares. One study said they can indicate an upcoming manic episode. I hope not. Mood wise, I feel more melancholy than mania. I’m taking the day off to rest, changing meds is draining and scary.

Laying in bed listening to “I’ll be seeing you”. I’m reading a book about Wicca. I’ve been leaning into Wicca since my manic phase in May. Maybe a remnant of magical thinking. It gives me something to focus on and learn about.

After thirty years of taking lithium for my bipolar disorder, I am saying goodbye. We’ve had a good relationship with few side effects, aside from the newly discovered “innumerable” cysts on my kidneys that were discovered in an MRI for back pain.

Two weeks ago, I started taking Ziprasidone, and last week I decreased my lithium to 450mg. So far, I’ve noticed some grogginess and dizziness. I’m hoping things will continue to get better as the lithium amount is decreased.

This process has been equal parts terrifying and exciting. Any new drug and the potential side effects can be daunting, but I am ready to see what life is like without lithium. Having started at 16, I have never been an adult without lithium, so I have no clue what it will feel like without it. Who am I without lithium? Will I be clearer, will my creativity blossom? Or will the Geodon side effects be a wash?

One positive to this adventure, was that I stopped drinking in January when I was put on Tramadol for back pain. I’d had a few drinks after the surgery and pain meds were no longer needed. I haven’t missed it as much as I thought I would. I do love a good beer or margarita, but I’ve found mocktails to be just as fun, and I’m saving tons of money at restaurants.

This adventure is to be continued.

I’m recovering from an upper back strain. The other day, I shared this with my boss. I’m working on a stressful project that started in May, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Twice she has said at meetings that I may have a mental breakdown – ha ha ha. 😐

It occurred to me that maybe I push myself to the pain so that I can share it for sympathy. I feel that I can’t share my mental pain for fear of stigma (also people at work have some negative misconceptions about bipolar disorder). Multiple days, I’ve taken more drugs to help me sleep through this stressful time. I need to remember this so I can stop taking things out on myself when stress is high. Not a very well formed thought, but I wanted to put pen to paper on it.