Elevator Go Up

On By SararosesIn bipolar, Journal, Mental HealthLeave a comment

After a year of mostly depression and anxiety, yesterday I took a quick swing up. It reminds me of the ride at carnivals that shoots a bench of people “high” into the air. A combination of factors kept me running all day, and I ended the day worried about my sanity. I felt like a strong current ran through my body all day, and I was ravenous and exhausted when the day ended.

I hate being scared of joy. What a weird problem to have, and I think only my fellow bipolar family can truly understand this terror. So many serendipitous things occurred, and I had to try not to put too much stock in them. For example, after a year of doing tarot in my free time and pulling a ridiculous amount of ten of swords cards, I pulled all cups yesterday after someone gave me career guidance when I was feeling low about my prospects. They opened up some options to me that I had not considered at all. For the first time in years, I feel excited about growing my career and not just fighting to excel in a toxic environment. I had therapy last night and Li labs scheduled today (perfect timing). I couldn’t sleep last night, so I took clonazepam. I’ve weaned off of daily clonazepam, and I feel better for it. Also, my dreams are more vivid and interesting. My therapist loves the new dreams that I bring into therapy; my subconscious is working overtime.

My medication has changed. My new psychiatrist is open to non-traditional meds to work toward replacing Lithium (due to the chronic kidney disease). She started me on Inositol powder and upped by Magnesium Glycinate and NAC. Aside from the cost of OTC supplements, I’ve been happy with the results. However, it was weird to be prescribed Inositol until it elicits diarrhea – then back down. That was a new dose guideline. I’m holding on to lithium for a few more months. After 30 years, it is hard to quit her.

I stopped to tell my husband what I was typing up over here, because he knows I took today off to decompress. He also knows I would sneak into work to get stuff done. He shared with me that he is not concerned that I am manic, he just felt that I was stressed yesterday.  Well, here’s to listening to my body and slowing down when I need to. 

I’d like to fold this blog back into my self-care, now that I feel like I’m coming out of hibernation. Hopefully, I will see this page soon. 

Status Quo with a Side of Depression

On By SararosesIn Mental Health1 Comment

I ended the transition to Geodon when it started giving me severe anxiety. I’m back on my old regimen, but I’ve been depressed for a few weeks. I guess I can’t be too surprised. After mania in June and totally upending my drugs, it was a shock to my system.

I’m rewatching shows that don’t intensify the discomfort like Superstore and Speechless. I want to celebrate spooky season, but I can’t stomach it.

I’m reading a book called “The Comfort Book”, and playing my happy playlist. The book continues to offer hope, and that is worth the price of admission.

My husband tries so hard to brighten my day. He sings to me, and brought me the sweetest Ludo stuffy.

I went to Reddit for a happy cry movie, and Paddington 2 was much better than I expected.

I’ve been avoiding writing, but I think I need to accept that I’m going through a rough patch in order to make any space for hope that things can improve.

I also hope the unhealthy air quality from the fires improves. Walking in nature brings me comfort. For now, I took half a Clonazepam to help break up the ugh.

Insomnia Tap Tap Tapping at my Chamber Door

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

Last night I went to bed at the normal time. I took one clonazepam. I listened to over an hour of sleep meditations. They started to infuriate me. I got out of bed multiple times. I tried cookies and milk. I even tried watching Taskmaster. I woke up my husband which was not helpful for him. I just felt so helpless. I took a second clonazepam at 11. The later it got, the more I worried about being able to work today. I woke up exhausted, and I called out sick. I slept until ten (hopefully this won’t affect my sleep).

My doctor suggests CBTI for sleep. Now that I have a new drug and my brain psyching me out, it is time to dust off my sleep book. Putting on my study cap. I’m going to crack this case! Turn off screens, read a book, amass an arsenal today of sleep tools from “Sleep Through Insomnia”.

I think writing down how terrified I am of not sleeping could help. As my mom used to say to me, what is the worst that could happen? I may become manic and out of control and need inpatient tx or do something dangerous. I seem to have some legit fears, but if I throw some logic at it, it would take multiple nights for a worse case scenario. My husband would notice symptoms. Also, worrying is probably 80% of the problem. I shall channel my best Hermione, and hit the book. 🧙🏼🧹

Beauty Sleep

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

Slept all night but slept lightly. I’m feeling exhausted today. I’m frustrated, but I thank my body for being so resilient and responsive during this med transition.

My husband started dating me in high school, and he never knew me off of lithium. I think we are both interested to meet non-lithium me. We are also both eager to stop damage to my kidneys. Today is our anniversary, and I hope to have many more.

Another Tweak

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

As I was growing weary of being weary and having some jaw pain, my doc suggested taking all 60mg of Geodon at night. I started the night before last. All went well until I woke at three AM feeling like there was no way I could go back to sleep, like there was a mild current coursing through my body. I got up ate some cookies and milk and took a half a clonazepam. This got me back to sleep, but made me super tired for work.

Last night was thankfully a Friday, so I could afford to sleep poorly. Sleep is so important with bipolar disorder that I found myself feeling a panicky as it got later and later, and I didn’t feel the urge to nod off. I took magnesium and two clonazepams. As my husband nodded off, I threw on some Taskmaster (my TV drug of choice). I slept all the way through the night last night. Huzzah for a better night sleep.

I had a bit of a setback with labs. My kidney labs were high again, it felt troubling that I’m going through this transition to see my labs get worse. Ugh. Just ugh. I know that I can’t stop the damage done to my kidneys, but my levels had been good the last few goes. I keep up hope that this is for the best. I had a sub endo doc last week, and he said he wouldn’t have suggested I stop Lithium. I told my psych this, and he said he was glad I got a second opinion. Aaaak. After my kidney and endo docs both told me to quit, I get frustrated getting mixed messages.

On the plus side, I’m still having beautiful, vivid dreams. I hope this continues.

I am hoping for a smoother night tonight. May my sleep be restful and deep.

Turn Up the Heat Nice and Slow

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

Started 60mg of Geodon two days ago. I feel on edge about every little pain in my jaw or grogginess.

My hubby has been sweet and reassuring during this transition. He is my smismar.

I want to drop the lithium and feel less drugged, but I get the need to take it slow. My psychiatrist is going on vacation as well, and he’s not keen on me manic while he is away. Both my therapist and psychiatrist are taking vacations at the same time. The nerve of providers, thinking they get vacations.

I worry about keeping up with the Joneses at work. I work remotely, but it is stressful, and I feel more bumbly now. I try to imagine what to tell my boss, if they notice. I tell them nothing about my mental health. I don’t need to offer any ammunition. It is a job I will probably try to leave after I stabilize.

I try to remind myself the last big med change occurred in a hospital when I was 16. This is a big change, and it’s OK to be scared. Thanks, Self. I’d like to picture my future self thanking me for making the switch. My future self with happier kidneys and dreams.

Caviar Wishes and Bipolar Dreams

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

I’m still moving from Lithium to Geodon. I’m taking both now, and I’m on the lowest amount of Lithium I’ve been on in 30 years. One thing I didn’t expect was the return of vivid dreams. When I was a kid, I had vivid and even lucid dreams. What a shock to have them back. I had a brief period of dream recall when I used sensory deprivation pods. I did some “eugoogling” and found that people with bipolar disorder have more nightmares. One study said they can indicate an upcoming manic episode. I hope not. Mood wise, I feel more melancholy than mania. I’m taking the day off to rest, changing meds is draining and scary.

Laying in bed listening to “I’ll be seeing you”. I’m reading a book about Wicca. I’ve been leaning into Wicca since my manic phase in May. Maybe a remnant of magical thinking. It gives me something to focus on and learn about.

Saying Goodbye to Lithium

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

After thirty years of taking lithium for my bipolar disorder, I am saying goodbye. We’ve had a good relationship with few side effects, aside from the newly discovered “innumerable” cysts on my kidneys that were discovered in an MRI for back pain.

Two weeks ago, I started taking Ziprasidone, and last week I decreased my lithium to 450mg. So far, I’ve noticed some grogginess and dizziness. I’m hoping things will continue to get better as the lithium amount is decreased.

This process has been equal parts terrifying and exciting. Any new drug and the potential side effects can be daunting, but I am ready to see what life is like without lithium. Having started at 16, I have never been an adult without lithium, so I have no clue what it will feel like without it. Who am I without lithium? Will I be clearer, will my creativity blossom? Or will the Geodon side effects be a wash?

One positive to this adventure, was that I stopped drinking in January when I was put on Tramadol for back pain. I’d had a few drinks after the surgery and pain meds were no longer needed. I haven’t missed it as much as I thought I would. I do love a good beer or margarita, but I’ve found mocktails to be just as fun, and I’m saving tons of money at restaurants.

This adventure is to be continued.