I’m still taking 1000mg Depakote, but I’ve been on 150mg of Lithium for a couple months. My sleep has been more steady, and I’ve been taking magnesium glycinate. It has helped me chill out in the evening.
I don’t feel manic, but I struggle with the doldrums. I’m not very talkative tonight.
I started taking Depakote 500mg BID on December 1st. The first day I felt like a zombie, I had trouble speaking and concentrating. I was so disheartened. I contacted my Pdoc immediately and asked if I could take both doses at night. Immediately helped. I felt like myself again.
Knowing that my doctor warned of weight gain and hair loss, I started to fret. My brother suggested I start my Moira Rose era. So far, I haven’t lost weight, but I have also been moving a lot. As far as hair care goes, I try not to add supplements to this chemical cocktail I already take, so I started using rosemary oil. At the very least, it smells nice.
My lithium has been reduced from 750 to 450mg. Hu-freaking-zah. My sleep is the main thing I notice. Sleep is sacred, and I’m getting 6-7 hours now, and 8 is my sweet spot. I keep waking at 2 or 3am. I’ve been doing some early am shopping, but I always keep it under 50 bucks and make sure it is “practical” in my sleepy brain. Thank goddess for Amazon’s return policey. I’ve had two or three nights of eight hours over the last few weeks. We moved on Sunday, so I’m hoping that I’m also getting used to the new place.
I’ve been using the Bipolar UK app to track my mood, and I couldn’t suggest it more. My nephew who was just dx started using it, too. He showed me how to look at trends. It made me feel so much better to see that I’m in a pretty safe zone based on my daily records.
“Step One of my Ridiculously Circuitous Plan: Complete!” Bender, Futurama
After a few days of poor sleep, I took a Seroquel last night at 9:30pm. I went to bed immediately knowing that it can affect my mobility. At 10pm, I woke up with a rapid heartbeat. I started to panic that it had interacted with something else, and there was no way to turn back. I took an ECG test on my watch. The results were that it was not a-fib and my HR was 99. After imagining the worst for a bit, I did some deep breathing and fell back to sleep. I slept for eleven solid, blissful hours. I woke up this morning and asked the interwebs about the rapid heart rate – BARD (told me to go to the ER), Google, and Reddit. I found that a rapid heartbeat can be a side effect of Seroquel. Phew.
I had a lovely day. First, my hubby and I met this morning. We meet every week to discuss aspects of our life, and we have done this for about ten years. I love our strategy sessions and brainstorming to make our lives run more smoothly. We also use it to discuss things like our mental health.
The movie title “Everything Everywhere All at Once” is a great five words to describe hypomania/mania.
Today, I:
I think the biggest win I had today was not going for a walk this evening when my task reminder went off. I have to remind myself to simmer down and focus on just being here.
Simmer Down Plan
Last night I went to bed at the normal time. I took one clonazepam. I listened to over an hour of sleep meditations. They started to infuriate me. I got out of bed multiple times. I tried cookies and milk. I even tried watching Taskmaster. I woke up my husband which was not helpful for him. I just felt so helpless. I took a second clonazepam at 11. The later it got, the more I worried about being able to work today. I woke up exhausted, and I called out sick. I slept until ten (hopefully this won’t affect my sleep).
My doctor suggests CBTI for sleep. Now that I have a new drug and my brain psyching me out, it is time to dust off my sleep book. Putting on my study cap. I’m going to crack this case! Turn off screens, read a book, amass an arsenal today of sleep tools from “Sleep Through Insomnia”.
I think writing down how terrified I am of not sleeping could help. As my mom used to say to me, what is the worst that could happen? I may become manic and out of control and need inpatient tx or do something dangerous. I seem to have some legit fears, but if I throw some logic at it, it would take multiple nights for a worse case scenario. My husband would notice symptoms. Also, worrying is probably 80% of the problem. I shall channel my best Hermione, and hit the book. 🧙🏼🧹
Slept all night but slept lightly. I’m feeling exhausted today. I’m frustrated, but I thank my body for being so resilient and responsive during this med transition.
My husband started dating me in high school, and he never knew me off of lithium. I think we are both interested to meet non-lithium me. We are also both eager to stop damage to my kidneys. Today is our anniversary, and I hope to have many more.
As I was growing weary of being weary and having some jaw pain, my doc suggested taking all 60mg of Geodon at night. I started the night before last. All went well until I woke at three AM feeling like there was no way I could go back to sleep, like there was a mild current coursing through my body. I got up ate some cookies and milk and took a half a clonazepam. This got me back to sleep, but made me super tired for work.
Last night was thankfully a Friday, so I could afford to sleep poorly. Sleep is so important with bipolar disorder that I found myself feeling a panicky as it got later and later, and I didn’t feel the urge to nod off. I took magnesium and two clonazepams. As my husband nodded off, I threw on some Taskmaster (my TV drug of choice). I slept all the way through the night last night. Huzzah for a better night sleep.
I had a bit of a setback with labs. My kidney labs were high again, it felt troubling that I’m going through this transition to see my labs get worse. Ugh. Just ugh. I know that I can’t stop the damage done to my kidneys, but my levels had been good the last few goes. I keep up hope that this is for the best. I had a sub endo doc last week, and he said he wouldn’t have suggested I stop Lithium. I told my psych this, and he said he was glad I got a second opinion. Aaaak. After my kidney and endo docs both told me to quit, I get frustrated getting mixed messages.
On the plus side, I’m still having beautiful, vivid dreams. I hope this continues.
I am hoping for a smoother night tonight. May my sleep be restful and deep.
Greetings to the great abyss,
I’m currently recovering from back surgery. It is late and I can’t sleep again.
I worry about my sanity, because my grasp on it is weak.
I have a tale of woe to tell about my medical treatment, but I need to sleep before my last pain pill wear off.
I have hope that there is a happy ending.
…
Last week, I was sitting outside a bookstore drinking coffee with a friend, when the book “Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies” by Tara Schuster caught my eye. I picked it up and can’t put it down. It is a beautifully written and brutally honest book about self care. I’ve been devouring self help books for many years, I started with Dyer, then Carnegie, Robbins, Tolle, Julia Cameron, etc.
I’ve found some wonderful rituals in this book (like buying lilies that make the whole place smell like heaven). Some things I’ve encountered before, but I didn’t feel ready/open to them. For example, I’ve been trying to do gratitude lists for years, and every time it feels like homework. Ugh. I also stopped doing morning pages (ala Julia Cameron), because they felt cumbersome and time consuming. For some reason the way Tara explained gratitude, helped me see the value of them. It is like tipping the scales in my brain from evil to good. “Always look on the bright side of life” – Monty Python crew.
My husband had heart surgery the day before yesterday. I sat in the car outside (because of COVID protocols) and journaled, when I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin (the surgery went a little long), I started writing a gratitude list and I didn’t stop until the surgeon called. I think I always thought they had to be momentous things, but I got down to things like the smell of a burnt match. So lovely.
OK, time to pull out the Bipolar card and dust it off. I haven’t written about it in quite a while. When I last wrote, I was reducing my lithium, because my Endocronoligist said my Calcium was too high. Stressors increased (shared global pandemic and staying in my home 24/7 for a year). Went back to my former dosage, and my calcium is fine now. It’s kind of a crap shoot. My brother said yesterday that my kidneys have survived longer than he expected. Leave it to family to always know the right thing to say. That was a concern when I started lithium at 16, and I’m now 45. I just keep getting all the tests done, and things have been going pretty well. My husband and I are vaccinated, which is a relief, except for the variants. At this point I’m just looking the other way like I do in Silent Hill (if I can’t see it I’m fine). We also take every precaution.
My main concern today, is that almost every time my husband is ill and I take care of him, we have a certain point where he has to slow me down. Like one time I was reality/delusion testing in World of Warcraft.
I took a clonazepam, because I can sense the need to reach out and connect with everyone. That is usually my first indicator that I’m pushing myself too hard and mania creeping up on me. I did talk to him about blogging again, because he is my touchstone in times like this. Like the rest of this blog, it is a place for me to share when I’m feeling closer to the edge. I read some of the other blogs, and I’m comforted and astounded at all of the beautiful bipolar family out there in the ether. I will continue to follow more. When I was diagnosed there was no internet, and this is an exciting place to find a community who are also “Touched with Fire” – Kay Redfield Jamison. She was my first introduction to a successul, brilliant bipolar woman. She gave me hope when I was young that I can live a wonderful life. I have a signed copy that my mother gave me after my diagnosis.
I will write more later, but the clonazepam and mindless show Shiprwrecked are starting to drain my brain for now.
Peace and love.
There is a piece of me that I work incredibly hard to keep hidden from sight. I’m ashamed and embarrassed, and I’ve kept it hidden in friendships, high school, college, as a mental health worker, and in the cubicle farm in which I currently spend most of my time. Only a handful of people I come out to, or those who have seen me at my worst (or highest), know my secret.
I have bipolar disorder. I prefer the old name, manic depression, it is clearer and sounds less out of order. It is also usually what I have to follow with when I get a blank or confused stare after using the official name.
My brother suggested that I write a blog to share my stories and insights (the good, the bad and the ugly). It’s a mixed bag. Although I’m scared, the catharsis is appealing, and if I can shed any light on it for someone going through it, studying it, or has a loved one who needs some understanding – super. I have semi-secretly worn this diagnosis since I was 16, and I’m coming up on my 24th anniversary.
Tonight it is late, and my most important weapon against mania is sleep.
Good night.
Taken at an art show (don’t know the artist).
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 