I’m still taking 1000mg Depakote, but I’ve been on 150mg of Lithium for a couple months. My sleep has been more steady, and I’ve been taking magnesium glycinate. It has helped me chill out in the evening.
I don’t feel manic, but I struggle with the doldrums. I’m not very talkative tonight.
I started taking Depakote 500mg BID on December 1st. The first day I felt like a zombie, I had trouble speaking and concentrating. I was so disheartened. I contacted my Pdoc immediately and asked if I could take both doses at night. Immediately helped. I felt like myself again.
Knowing that my doctor warned of weight gain and hair loss, I started to fret. My brother suggested I start my Moira Rose era. So far, I haven’t lost weight, but I have also been moving a lot. As far as hair care goes, I try not to add supplements to this chemical cocktail I already take, so I started using rosemary oil. At the very least, it smells nice.
My lithium has been reduced from 750 to 450mg. Hu-freaking-zah. My sleep is the main thing I notice. Sleep is sacred, and I’m getting 6-7 hours now, and 8 is my sweet spot. I keep waking at 2 or 3am. I’ve been doing some early am shopping, but I always keep it under 50 bucks and make sure it is “practical” in my sleepy brain. Thank goddess for Amazon’s return policey. I’ve had two or three nights of eight hours over the last few weeks. We moved on Sunday, so I’m hoping that I’m also getting used to the new place.
I’ve been using the Bipolar UK app to track my mood, and I couldn’t suggest it more. My nephew who was just dx started using it, too. He showed me how to look at trends. It made me feel so much better to see that I’m in a pretty safe zone based on my daily records.
“Step One of my Ridiculously Circuitous Plan: Complete!” Bender, Futurama
After Lamictal gave me rashes, my Pdoc suggested Seroquel. I tried for a few days, but the fatigue was like a perma-hangover. I need to be on top of my game at work, so this is a no go. I also had trouble sleeping. I learned from my Sleep doctor that antipsychotics exacerbate sleep movement disorders. If it’s not one thing it is six others. 😐 He wanted me to switch to Latuda (another antipsychotic). Ugh.
I joined an amazing forum called Bipolar UK https://ecommunity.bipolaruk.org/. I learned so much from the users there. I’m going to try Depakote next. He said it works better for mania, which has always been my biggest issue for the last thirty years. The worst depression/anxiety came from the Geodon trial.
Earlier this month my mother-in-law died, and almost ten of her family members contracted COVID while visiting her. This was my first COVID dx. There is some relief that I don’t have to live in a bubble worrying about getting it. It was unpleasant but manageable. The hardest part was that none of us could be there when she died. Being high risk, I was prescribed Paxlovid, and the nurse told me to stop taking my sleep meds (clonazepam). If I had a nickel every time that happened, I’d have 10 cents, but it SUCKS. It has been 25 days and I am still sleeping 4-5 hours. My sleep doc told me to up my Clonazepam to 2-3 mg. I had one eight hours and last night was five. It gets so frustrating not being able to sleep. I get so down on my self, even though I know it is my brain. In the morning my husband registers worry and pain on his face, and I feel even worse.
We are moving in with his father to help take care of him. When I got my psychology undergrad in the 90s, I remember a list of the worst stressors. It feels like I’m hitting too many at once – death, moving, hypomania, lack of sleep, and the therapist is closing her practice. Luckily, my relationship with my hubby of 25 years last month is as strong as ever.
We bought ourselves laptops for retail therapy. So far, I love it. Gives me a way to write, work on my photos, learn more things (knitting, guitar/cello), meet more people. I’m aware that my social circle has dwindled to just a few people. I’d like to get back to UU church and go to some meetups. I had a mediation group with my mother-in-law, but I need to find a new one.
I’m finally getting to a point where I don’t need to repeat things over and over to keep focus. When I can’t sleep I’ve been noting things I don’t want to forget. It includes fifty items that I dropped into AI, to create a categorized Google Sheet. I also started a Google Sheet of MBA programs. AI has been super helpful, and it is the only thing that feels like it keeps up with a manic brain.
I’m tired and ready to slow down. I hope I sleep all night tomorrow, because we are moving our offices to my in-laws tomorrow.
A little meandery today, but I wanted to jump back on the blog.
Hope for the future.
Slept all night but slept lightly. I’m feeling exhausted today. I’m frustrated, but I thank my body for being so resilient and responsive during this med transition.
My husband started dating me in high school, and he never knew me off of lithium. I think we are both interested to meet non-lithium me. We are also both eager to stop damage to my kidneys. Today is our anniversary, and I hope to have many more.
As I was growing weary of being weary and having some jaw pain, my doc suggested taking all 60mg of Geodon at night. I started the night before last. All went well until I woke at three AM feeling like there was no way I could go back to sleep, like there was a mild current coursing through my body. I got up ate some cookies and milk and took a half a clonazepam. This got me back to sleep, but made me super tired for work.
Last night was thankfully a Friday, so I could afford to sleep poorly. Sleep is so important with bipolar disorder that I found myself feeling a panicky as it got later and later, and I didn’t feel the urge to nod off. I took magnesium and two clonazepams. As my husband nodded off, I threw on some Taskmaster (my TV drug of choice). I slept all the way through the night last night. Huzzah for a better night sleep.
I had a bit of a setback with labs. My kidney labs were high again, it felt troubling that I’m going through this transition to see my labs get worse. Ugh. Just ugh. I know that I can’t stop the damage done to my kidneys, but my levels had been good the last few goes. I keep up hope that this is for the best. I had a sub endo doc last week, and he said he wouldn’t have suggested I stop Lithium. I told my psych this, and he said he was glad I got a second opinion. Aaaak. After my kidney and endo docs both told me to quit, I get frustrated getting mixed messages.
On the plus side, I’m still having beautiful, vivid dreams. I hope this continues.
I am hoping for a smoother night tonight. May my sleep be restful and deep.
Greetings to the great abyss,
I’m currently recovering from back surgery. It is late and I can’t sleep again.
I worry about my sanity, because my grasp on it is weak.
I have a tale of woe to tell about my medical treatment, but I need to sleep before my last pain pill wear off.
I have hope that there is a happy ending.
…
Last week, I was sitting outside a bookstore drinking coffee with a friend, when the book “Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies” by Tara Schuster caught my eye. I picked it up and can’t put it down. It is a beautifully written and brutally honest book about self care. I’ve been devouring self help books for many years, I started with Dyer, then Carnegie, Robbins, Tolle, Julia Cameron, etc.
I’ve found some wonderful rituals in this book (like buying lilies that make the whole place smell like heaven). Some things I’ve encountered before, but I didn’t feel ready/open to them. For example, I’ve been trying to do gratitude lists for years, and every time it feels like homework. Ugh. I also stopped doing morning pages (ala Julia Cameron), because they felt cumbersome and time consuming. For some reason the way Tara explained gratitude, helped me see the value of them. It is like tipping the scales in my brain from evil to good. “Always look on the bright side of life” – Monty Python crew.
My husband had heart surgery the day before yesterday. I sat in the car outside (because of COVID protocols) and journaled, when I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin (the surgery went a little long), I started writing a gratitude list and I didn’t stop until the surgeon called. I think I always thought they had to be momentous things, but I got down to things like the smell of a burnt match. So lovely.
OK, time to pull out the Bipolar card and dust it off. I haven’t written about it in quite a while. When I last wrote, I was reducing my lithium, because my Endocronoligist said my Calcium was too high. Stressors increased (shared global pandemic and staying in my home 24/7 for a year). Went back to my former dosage, and my calcium is fine now. It’s kind of a crap shoot. My brother said yesterday that my kidneys have survived longer than he expected. Leave it to family to always know the right thing to say. That was a concern when I started lithium at 16, and I’m now 45. I just keep getting all the tests done, and things have been going pretty well. My husband and I are vaccinated, which is a relief, except for the variants. At this point I’m just looking the other way like I do in Silent Hill (if I can’t see it I’m fine). We also take every precaution.
My main concern today, is that almost every time my husband is ill and I take care of him, we have a certain point where he has to slow me down. Like one time I was reality/delusion testing in World of Warcraft.
I took a clonazepam, because I can sense the need to reach out and connect with everyone. That is usually my first indicator that I’m pushing myself too hard and mania creeping up on me. I did talk to him about blogging again, because he is my touchstone in times like this. Like the rest of this blog, it is a place for me to share when I’m feeling closer to the edge. I read some of the other blogs, and I’m comforted and astounded at all of the beautiful bipolar family out there in the ether. I will continue to follow more. When I was diagnosed there was no internet, and this is an exciting place to find a community who are also “Touched with Fire” – Kay Redfield Jamison. She was my first introduction to a successul, brilliant bipolar woman. She gave me hope when I was young that I can live a wonderful life. I have a signed copy that my mother gave me after my diagnosis.
I will write more later, but the clonazepam and mindless show Shiprwrecked are starting to drain my brain for now.
Peace and love.
I’ve been taking lithium since I was 16. With only three manias under my belt, I feel that it has been a mostly successful treatment. I was warned of the negative side effects, but they always felt small next to the possibility of losing touch with reality. I’ve never noticed most them, because lithium has always been a part of my life (except toxicity – that is hell on earth).
When I turned forty, my specialists seemed to multiply like a wet gremlin. This year, I started seeing an endocrinologist who is treating hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism that have sprung up over the last couple of years. She suggested I stop taking lithium. To hear someone casually suggest that made my heart drop to my stomach. When I talked to my psychiatrist, we both agreed that decreasing would be a better first step than switching to a new drug. Ugh. The thought of switching scares me more than bathing in spiders; I still remember the pain of starting lithium. He also mentioned that there is a journal that states that if you have been taking lithium for more than ten years, the calcium/parathyroid imbalances may be permanent. So, yay, I could go through a painful switch for other side effects plus these.
He reduced my dose by 150mg the Monday before last. That week I was terrified of every ounce of glee and not falling to sleep. My husband watched me like a hawk, which always makes me feel loved but a little anxious. Friday of that week, I dislocated my shoulder, probably Her way of getting my mind off of the lithium. However, it messed with my sleep (the most important thing to someone with bipolar disorder). Two nights in a row, I woke up wide awake at 1am or 2am in too much pain and too alert to go back to sleep (or was I manic?). I once had a provider say one night is OK, two is cause for concern. I sparingly took diclofenac, something my doctor warned me to not take for more than a week (ibuprofen and lithium are bad bedfellows, but let’s not think about kidneys right now).
The shoulder is back in place (ouch), and I’ve started PT. The sleep has normalized, and my husband said that I’m more myself now. We’ll see if the reduction of lithium helps reduce the endo issues in a few months.
The main thing that I have noticed, is that I’m dreaming again, well remembering them. I haven’t remembered my dreams, steadily, since I was a teenager. It is kind of amazing, except for the nightmares. Crossing my fingers for sweet dreams and steady sleeping.
Behind the Mask: A Bipolar Blog 