Tag: manic depression

Medication Transition Part IV

On By SararosesIn Mental Health3 Comments

After Lamictal gave me rashes, my Pdoc suggested Seroquel. I tried for a few days, but the fatigue was like a perma-hangover. I need to be on top of my game at work, so this is a no go. I also had trouble sleeping. I learned from my Sleep doctor that antipsychotics exacerbate sleep movement disorders. If it’s not one thing it is six others. 😐 He wanted me to switch to Latuda (another antipsychotic). Ugh.

I joined an amazing forum called Bipolar UK https://ecommunity.bipolaruk.org/. I learned so much from the users there. I’m going to try Depakote next. He said it works better for mania, which has always been my biggest issue for the last thirty years. The worst depression/anxiety came from the Geodon trial.

Earlier this month my mother-in-law died, and almost ten of her family members contracted COVID while visiting her. This was my first COVID dx. There is some relief that I don’t have to live in a bubble worrying about getting it. It was unpleasant but manageable. The hardest part was that none of us could be there when she died. Being high risk, I was prescribed Paxlovid, and the nurse told me to stop taking my sleep meds (clonazepam). If I had a nickel every time that happened, I’d have 10 cents, but it SUCKS. It has been 25 days and I am still sleeping 4-5 hours. My sleep doc told me to up my Clonazepam to 2-3 mg. I had one eight hours and last night was five. It gets so frustrating not being able to sleep. I get so down on my self, even though I know it is my brain. In the morning my husband registers worry and pain on his face, and I feel even worse.

We are moving in with his father to help take care of him. When I got my psychology undergrad in the 90s, I remember a list of the worst stressors. It feels like I’m hitting too many at once – death, moving, hypomania, lack of sleep, and the therapist is closing her practice. Luckily, my relationship with my hubby of 25 years last month is as strong as ever.

We bought ourselves laptops for retail therapy. So far, I love it. Gives me a way to write, work on my photos, learn more things (knitting, guitar/cello), meet more people. I’m aware that my social circle has dwindled to just a few people. I’d like to get back to UU church and go to some meetups. I had a mediation group with my mother-in-law, but I need to find a new one.

I’m finally getting to a point where I don’t need to repeat things over and over to keep focus. When I can’t sleep I’ve been noting things I don’t want to forget. It includes fifty items that I dropped into AI, to create a categorized Google Sheet. I also started a Google Sheet of MBA programs. AI has been super helpful, and it is the only thing that feels like it keeps up with a manic brain.

I’m tired and ready to slow down. I hope I sleep all night tomorrow, because we are moving our offices to my in-laws tomorrow.

A little meandery today, but I wanted to jump back on the blog.

Hope for the future.

Insomnia Tap Tap Tapping at my Chamber Door

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Last night I went to bed at the normal time. I took one clonazepam. I listened to over an hour of sleep meditations. They started to infuriate me. I got out of bed multiple times. I tried cookies and milk. I even tried watching Taskmaster. I woke up my husband which was not helpful for him. I just felt so helpless. I took a second clonazepam at 11. The later it got, the more I worried about being able to work today. I woke up exhausted, and I called out sick. I slept until ten (hopefully this won’t affect my sleep).

My doctor suggests CBTI for sleep. Now that I have a new drug and my brain psyching me out, it is time to dust off my sleep book. Putting on my study cap. I’m going to crack this case! Turn off screens, read a book, amass an arsenal today of sleep tools from “Sleep Through Insomnia”.

I think writing down how terrified I am of not sleeping could help. As my mom used to say to me, what is the worst that could happen? I may become manic and out of control and need inpatient tx or do something dangerous. I seem to have some legit fears, but if I throw some logic at it, it would take multiple nights for a worse case scenario. My husband would notice symptoms. Also, worrying is probably 80% of the problem. I shall channel my best Hermione, and hit the book. 🧙🏼🧹

Beauty Sleep

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Slept all night but slept lightly. I’m feeling exhausted today. I’m frustrated, but I thank my body for being so resilient and responsive during this med transition.

My husband started dating me in high school, and he never knew me off of lithium. I think we are both interested to meet non-lithium me. We are also both eager to stop damage to my kidneys. Today is our anniversary, and I hope to have many more.

Another Tweak

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As I was growing weary of being weary and having some jaw pain, my doc suggested taking all 60mg of Geodon at night. I started the night before last. All went well until I woke at three AM feeling like there was no way I could go back to sleep, like there was a mild current coursing through my body. I got up ate some cookies and milk and took a half a clonazepam. This got me back to sleep, but made me super tired for work.

Last night was thankfully a Friday, so I could afford to sleep poorly. Sleep is so important with bipolar disorder that I found myself feeling a panicky as it got later and later, and I didn’t feel the urge to nod off. I took magnesium and two clonazepams. As my husband nodded off, I threw on some Taskmaster (my TV drug of choice). I slept all the way through the night last night. Huzzah for a better night sleep.

I had a bit of a setback with labs. My kidney labs were high again, it felt troubling that I’m going through this transition to see my labs get worse. Ugh. Just ugh. I know that I can’t stop the damage done to my kidneys, but my levels had been good the last few goes. I keep up hope that this is for the best. I had a sub endo doc last week, and he said he wouldn’t have suggested I stop Lithium. I told my psych this, and he said he was glad I got a second opinion. Aaaak. After my kidney and endo docs both told me to quit, I get frustrated getting mixed messages.

On the plus side, I’m still having beautiful, vivid dreams. I hope this continues.

I am hoping for a smoother night tonight. May my sleep be restful and deep.

Greetings and Salutations 

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There is a piece of me that I work incredibly hard to keep hidden from sight.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed, and I’ve kept it hidden in friendships, high school, college, as a mental health worker, and in the cubicle farm in which I currently spend most of my time.  Only a handful of people I come out to, or those who have seen me at my worst (or highest), know my secret.

I have bipolar disorder. I prefer the old name, manic depression, it is clearer and sounds less out of order.  It is also usually what I have to follow with when I get a blank or confused stare after using the official name.

My brother suggested that I write a blog to share my stories and insights (the good, the bad and the ugly).  It’s a mixed bag.  Although I’m scared, the catharsis is appealing, and if I can shed any light on it for someone going through it, studying it, or has a loved one who needs some understanding – super.  I have semi-secretly worn this diagnosis since I was 16, and I’m coming up on my 24th anniversary.

Tonight it is late, and my most important weapon against mania is sleep.

Good night.

Taken at an art show (don’t know the artist).