Author: Sararoses

Psychosis: An Escape-The-Real-World Adventure

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

Recently, I went to an escape the room adventure.   The entire room was covered with clues and random items to throw us off track.  We had to comb through each item and figure out its possible significance, solve the riddles, and try to escape.

This adventure reminded me of both delusions I’ve experienced in my most severe manic states (reference and grandeur*).  Every item in the room could have “special and personal meaning” and we were freaking spies – it doesn’t get more important than that.

When my thoughts are racing, it feels like all of my senses are heightened, and I can process many, many things at once.  As it intensifies, I start to look for clues to make sense of all of the overloading stimuli.  It is like taking the every day coincidences and turning the dial to 11.  Everyone and everything is put there to lead me to conclusions about life.  As everything starts to connect and I solve the riddles, I feel more and more important, like I am here for a greater purpose.  When I experience psychosis, it feels absolutely real.  It is like wearing beer goggles that make everything magical.  However, unlike drinking, I remember everything.  I remember each ridiculous thing that I thought and did in front of loved ones and strangers.  There is one place it took me months to go back to, and I still feel nervous there.  Reconciling these events with friends and family is harder and more painful, but that is probably a post in itself.

There are many TV shows and movies that represent bipolar disorder (e.g., that damn “Mr Jones” – I can’t even think about the ethical and practical problems in that movie right now).  However, I’m currently writing about psychosis, so here are a few that I can recommend if you are interested in peeking through the looking glass. “The Truman show” definitely reminds me of the lighter side of psychosis.   The darker side: “The Game” with Michael Douglas felt like a documentary when I first saw it.

Ok, now in the immortal words of Taylor Swift – “Shake it Off”.

*Delusions of reference – A neutral event is believed to have a special and personal meaning.

Delusions of grandeur – Belief that one is a famous or important figure, such as Jesus Christ or Napolean.

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Greetings and Salutations 

On By SararosesIn Mental HealthLeave a comment

There is a piece of me that I work incredibly hard to keep hidden from sight.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed, and I’ve kept it hidden in friendships, high school, college, as a mental health worker, and in the cubicle farm in which I currently spend most of my time.  Only a handful of people I come out to, or those who have seen me at my worst (or highest), know my secret.

I have bipolar disorder. I prefer the old name, manic depression, it is clearer and sounds less out of order.  It is also usually what I have to follow with when I get a blank or confused stare after using the official name.

My brother suggested that I write a blog to share my stories and insights (the good, the bad and the ugly).  It’s a mixed bag.  Although I’m scared, the catharsis is appealing, and if I can shed any light on it for someone going through it, studying it, or has a loved one who needs some understanding – super.  I have semi-secretly worn this diagnosis since I was 16, and I’m coming up on my 24th anniversary.

Tonight it is late, and my most important weapon against mania is sleep.

Good night.

Taken at an art show (don’t know the artist).